


Nothing grows on desert lands

by Hikary



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Consensual Underage Sex, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), I mean they kidnap and train babies to fight I am sure sex won't be a big issue, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Obi-Wan Needs a Hug, Unrequited Love, and he won't get any on this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikary/pseuds/Hikary
Summary: Anakin does not possess the elements to elaborate on this love; he comes from a fundamental ignorance on human feelings, with few, disastrous exceptions.orAnakin did the best he could. It just wasn't enough.





	Nothing grows on desert lands

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gondolin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/gifts).



> #First of all, I am truly, deeply sorry.  
> I have been drowning in this fandom since Christmas because of damn pilots and stormtroopers, then The Big Rewatch happened and my friend (hopefully still my friend after proofreading this) (EDIT: YAY SHE'S STILL MY FRIEND AND ALSO MY BETA) was in pain and I thought ‘well, I could write her something’.  
> How it came down to this, I have no idea. It just gets really boring at work sometimes.
> 
> #Any reference to Hamilton is DUH, OBVIOUSLY A REFERENCE TO HAMILTON. How do you live without quoting Hamilton, do I fuck know 
> 
> #I genuinely love Anakin, grew up watching Attack of the clones hundreds of times (for reason still to be clarified), love him with Padme, and I didn’t actually ship him with Obi-Wan so much. I also find unrequited love a personal offence. But hey, why do I use the present tense? That was last week! :D
> 
> #THESE JEDI PEOPLE NEED OLIVIA BENSON SO MUCH.

It was barely more than an accident, the first time,  _ the beginning,  _ like pretty much any other thing in Anakin’s life. One who had faith might have called is destiny, but Anakin had always had a hard time believing intangible things. How ironic, how lucky perhaps, that the boy could  _ feel _ the Force. It was an accidental brush of energy, as he rolled in his new bed, still asleep, and yet suddenly aware of another presence in the room: Obi-Wan, his Master, was checking on him, as he so often did. Anakin’s subconscious reached out for the familiar shade of Force, like a child would reach for their parents’ hand. The response was so overwhelming it shook Anakin awake. Obi-Wan’s power welcomed Anakin’s little nudge completely, encircling his soul and holding him tight. Anakin wasn’t used to receive more than he gave. The boy indulged himself, allowing his restless mind to fall into oblivion, safe in the strong embrace of Obi-Wan’s Force. It could have been pure instinct, a Master nurturing his new-found Padawan. Anakin could hardly tell how much of that feeling was truly for himself, and how much was a projection of Obi-Wan’s love for his old Master.

That was how it started, back when Anakin was little more than a child,  and at the time that was all there was to it. 

Anakin understood love in small, selected quantities. He had always loved his mother, and fiercely. He slowly learnt to unlove her, when necessary. When the pain of leaving her behind became too much. He picked up another kind of love over the years, thinking of Padme, meeting her again when young age wasn’t an excuse for stolen kisses anymore. He knew about  _ want _ , too, and about all those things Jedi shouldn't know about. Padme loved him back in her human way, with all she had, and taught him not to take that love for granted. She had a sharp sweetness, tempered by years of ruthless politics and impeding civil wars, that Anakin simply adored. He knew he had to fight, to earn every inch of that sweetness. Loving Padme was not easy, but it was certainly rewarding.

_ But Obi-Wan _ .

Obi-Wan’s unique brand of affection came into existence for the sole purpose of filling all of Anakin’s empty spaces – the Padawan could have sworn on that. His Master, still a single human being in spite of his power, had found a way to embody all the figures that had been missing in Anakin’s life. The affectionate scold of a father he sometimes used in reaction to Anakin’s unpteenth suicidal plan would often be followed by an exasperated eyeroll, as if he had turned into the responsible best friend. He jumped from a motherly figure, when he tucked Anakin into bed after a particularly dangerous mission, to a frustrated lover, when the young Skywalker decided to do his meditation routine conveniently half-naked. It was so easy to take, when he was offered so much. So easy to reciprocate, when Obi-Wan expected nothing in return. After all, Anakin had been raised on slavery and starvation, he simply didn’t know how to say no to something good. And, above all, it was easy, easiest than anything else in his life, to believe in someone’s love when they could literally shove it straight into your body, fill your mind and your every cell with the warmest spark of affection. Anakin would have gladly drown in that sensation. 

It didn’t take long for his 17-year-old self to find the closest physical equivalent to that desire, melting against the heat of his Master’s body, nails digging into the bare flesh of his back, kissing him within an inch of his life. Anakin didn’t understand the Jedi’s obsession with purity. He had never fought better by Obi-Wan’s side than he had since he had started sharing his Master’s bed. He made a habit out of noticing how the two were connected, and also shared his new philosophy with Obi-Wan himself. On one remarkable occasion, his Master had called him  _ silly _ , which, roughly translated from his language, sounded like  _ ‘you are the most precious thing in the galaxy and I will protect you until my dying breath.’  _ Stars , the man had a thing for concise speeches.

Anakin never felt so close to the Force, too. He saw the shape of galaxies far far away in the curve of his Master’s smile, when Anakin had finally pinned him down to  _ their _ bed _.  _ He heard the echo of a thousand oceans rumbling in Obi-Wan’s chest as he curled up on top of him and dozed off into a dreamless sleep. Anakin bursted with energy –  _ more than usual _ , Mace Windu would say dryly – and wondered how in the universe this was supposed to make him a  _ worse _ Jedi. He would nuzzle Obi-Wan’s energy with his own power for reassurance, like he used to as a child, and grin triumphantly when he reciprocated the touch.

____________________________________________

_ « I loved you. » _

That –  _ all - _ is why this is not cruelty, not really, at least not the kind that is meant. It is something rooted deep inside of him, something that grows on sand and pain and always carries a hint of anger. Some cruelty is engraved in one’s soul, Anakin wants to explain. Some cruelty comes for free. Anakin just stands, furious and unapologetic, feeling colder than ever without the blanket of Obi-Wan’s affection. Why did he give Anakin so much, if he had to take it away so abruptly?  _ Couldn’t you love me less, and let me keep the little I had?  _ But life is mysterious, he resolves, and unforgiving. Obi-Wan crashes his feelings against Anakin’s energy, shatters them, hopes to leave a scar in his soul. Anakin, too, almost hopes –  _ wishes _ – he could still be hurt. He would gladly wear his Master’s scars.

_ « I loved you. » _

It sounds awfully like him – not quite like Padme, Padme said  _ you broke my heart _ , because Padme claims her place in this world, in their love. Padme is –  _ was?  _ – a fighter, Obi-Wan is a Jedi. He was never taught how to love, and when he tried, he did it the Jedi way – by denying himself, by annihilation. 

_ « I loved you. » _

Anakin does not possess the elements to elaborate on this love; he comes from a fundamental ignorance on human feelings, with few, disastrous exceptions. He does what he can, he offers a merciful version of the truth.

_ « I hate you. »  _ he bites back.

Obi-Wan can take his betrayal, maybe even death by his hand, but not the truth. And Anakin, who doesn’t feel it, but has learnt it the hard way nonetheless, understands just now the limit of his own anger – which is not slaughtering innocents, clearly. What Anakin is – always been, always will be – is a slave kid who knows you get nothing for nothing in this galaxy. Especially not  _ this. _

His silence is the payback for Obi-Wan’s kindness, his omission the last – if not only – proof that he used to care for this man, as much as he could, although not barely enough. Nothing grows on sand, nothing ever will; and if it does, it’s dead inside.

_ « I loved you. » _

_ I didn’t. _

 

_ -fin _

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: stuff do grow in the desert. I guess Anakin is just worse. 
> 
> Anakin is also evil!Alexander Hamilton, but that’s another story.


End file.
